


Strangers Again

by Nath_The_Master



Series: Past Lives Series/All Your Faves Are Trans [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: AU, Angst, Character Death, Depression, Draco isn't a Malfoy, F/M, Gory Injuries, M/M, Non-Graphic Smut, Oneshot, Poor Remus, Self-Harm, So much angst, Suicide, Timeskips, Trans Remus Lupin, Unplanned Pregnancy, no happy ending, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-03
Updated: 2018-06-03
Packaged: 2019-05-17 19:52:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,668
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14838122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nath_The_Master/pseuds/Nath_The_Master
Summary: Most people say sixteen is one of the prime years of your life, but Remus wasn’t feeling it. Puberty he didn’t want or need, strange feelings for his best friend, crazy mood swings, increasingly more painful full moons; none of it was appreciated by the werewolf. He wanted to be 11 again, getting on the train to Hogwarts, ALONE.Not that this wasn’t nice, Sirius’s face buried in his shoulder, tears drying on Remus’s shirt and the dark haired boy’s cheeks.





	Strangers Again

**Author's Note:**

> Trans Remus is the best, so I had to write this. The song I used is called Strangers Again by Against The Current. I do not own the song or the characters and setting. This is unbeta’d, though I did go through for mistakes. I am not Trans, though I am Agender, so let me know if I messed anything up.  
> Love you guys!
> 
> Xo Nath

_ <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6fqx3q_08M> _

 

_ How did I get here, and what have I done? It's like I've been sleeping for two years, and I'm just waking up. Like I'm coming out of a blackout, like I didn't see you 'till right now, I look around and I'm feeling like I built a prison and put myself in it _

 

Pain. Pain was good. Pain meant he was alive, which was not so good. He peeled his eyes open, wincing at the bright light shining through the glass-less window. He sat up slowly, grimacing as a strip of white-hot pain shot through his chest. Remus stood up slowly, examining the damage he had done to the shack. The table was a pile of woodchips, as was the chair and bed. The window was missing it’s glass, as he had noted before, and there were long scratches on the walls, some cutting all the way through to the clear morning.

He collected the pile of neatly folded clothing off of the high shelf-the only piece of furniture not destroyed. He slid on the boxer shorts, careful to not aggravate any injuries, wiggled into the binder, sighing deeply at how old it was. He barely had enough money to feed himself, much less pay for any transitioning he wanted to do. He pulled on the jeans and button up, pulled his robes over them, and slid on his dress shoes. 

He left the room carefully, avoiding the broken floorboards. He didn’t want to do this anymore, this pretending everything was fine.  He didn’t want to act like everything was normal, and he was happy, such major lies. He tugged the rain-soaked trap door open and crawled through, a masochistic plan forming in his head.

********************************************************************

_ (Ahh, ahh) I don't wanna go through the motions (Ahh, ahh) No, I don't wanna. I can't stand it when you touch me like that, 'Cause it just reminds me of the nights that I spent telling myself it was fine, but now I'm over that I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again. _

 

Most people say sixteen is one of the prime years of your life, but Remus wasn’t feeling it. Puberty he didn’t want or need, strange feelings for his best friend, crazy mood swings, increasingly more painful full moons; none of it was appreciated by the werewolf. He wanted to be 11 again, getting on the train to Hogwarts, ALONE. 

Not that this wasn’t nice, Sirius’s face buried in his shoulder, tears drying on Remus’s shirt and the dark haired boy’s cheeks. Remus had been woken up by one of Sirius’s horrific nightmares-not frequent, thankfully-and had joined the trembling boy in bed. All while avoiding THOSE thoughts. 

This scared him, this getting closer to Sirius. He didn’t want to be here, with his best friend’s arm wrapped around his slim waist, unconsciously running over neat scars that were definitely not from the wolf. Not that Sirius knew, of course. If he did, that would be the most catastrophic event in Remus’s life, second to being bitten. 

He clenched his eyes shut, holding back tears, as he remembered those nights when he repeatedly told himself that he was fine. Oh, how wrong he was. He wasn’t fine. A depressed, suicidal werewolf half-blood wizard. Oh yeah, that was also in love with his best friend-a guy-and wasn’t born a guy. Definitely not fine.

He wished he had never met Sirius, James, and Peter. If he hadn’t, he wouldn’t be having these annoying feelings.  _ ‘Stupid, stupid Lupin. You weren’t supposed to make friends. You were supposed to go through this alone, nobody to find out your secrets. Idiot werewolf.’ _

***************************************************************

_ Where do I go now? And where do I start? I don’t wanna pick up the pieces, I just wanna watch it all fall apart, fall apart like it should, fall apart, like I said I would. I wanted out, but you held me down and fed me the lies I told you myself. _

 

Things had a way of being not-fine. All throughout his life, things always got fucked up. Now, this was the biggest fuck up, and it was his fault. He had made the mistake of trusting Sirius, thinking his best friend was the good guy. Oh, how wrong he was.

He was still surprised, Sirius Black, the man who couldn’t squish an ant without crying, killing an entire street of muggles, as well as one of their closest friends, Peter Pettigrew? Not likely, but the war had changed them all. 

He liked things not-fine. He may not like living in a shitty one-room that leaked when it rained or snowed, or not having a stable source of income, but it was routine, and therefore, comforting. 

Laying on his back on the lumpy comforter, Remus thought back to when he had almost told Sirius his new big secret. Now, the man he had fucked was in Azkaban prison, and he was not fine. He wished things would go back to the way they had been only a week ago, with Lily and James and Harry, Peter and Sirius. He would never get his wish, a werewolf like himself didn’t deserve what he wanted.

**********************************************************************

_ (Ahh, ahh) I don't wanna go through the motions, Ahh, ahh) No, I don't wanna. I can't stand it when you touch me like that, 'Cause it just reminds me of the nights that I spent telling myself it was fine, but now I'm over that I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again. _

**_Non-graphic smut warning! {Very short though}_ **

 

Flesh on flesh, lips trailing down, heavy gasps filling the air. Remus was so glad Lily and James lived in Godric’s Hollow at the moment. Thank Merlin they’re married and have Harry. 

Pressure, then a sharp pain. An odd sensation, that wasn’t normal. Something seemed wrong. Lips on his collarbones, moaning his lover's name. He still couldn’t leave the feeling that something was wrong behind.

****************************************************************

_ We had what we had but it's done. Now I'm over it. Held on for too long when I should’ve let go of it,  _ _ a _ [ _ nd I know it was wrong but I tried to keep hold of it. _ ](https://genius.com/Against-the-current-strangers-again-lyrics#note-14502307) _ It was wrong, it was wrong, it was wrong. _

 

Resigning was bittersweet. He had thrown a Sirius-sized tantrum at the Headmaster {Feeling two instead of thirty five}, said goodbye to his best friend’s son, and was now pouting/packing his only suitcase. 

He couldn’t believe Dumbledore had told him Sirius was guilty when really it had been Peter, the supposed dead marauder! He didn’t think he would ever forgive the old man for lying to him.

Sighing, he met Minerva outside of his classroom and took a deep breath.

“Minerva, I have something to tell you that I’ve kept a secret for thirteen years, that involves one of the Third Years here.” 

He watched as his former Transfiguration professor looked at him, shocked, and continued, after sighing again.

“You are aware that I was born biologically female, correct? Well, about the same time Lily found out she was pregnant with Harry, I found out Sirius had knocked me up. I knew I wouldn’t be able to watch a child, no matter how much I wanted to, so I asked a favour of Sirius’s cousin, Narcissa. I asked her and Lucius to act like my child was her own, and not tell the child that they were not it’s real parent’s until the child was of age. As you have probably guessed by now, knowing how smart you are, that child was indeed Draco Malfoy.”

“That’s quite a heavy secret Remus.” McGonagall looked shaken. “You’ve been hiding this for thirteen years?” 

He nodded, then bid the woman goodbye, climbing into his carriage.

The next morning, Remus was waiting for Sirius Black to open the door of Grimmauld Place. The locks clicked, and the door swung open to reveal the dark-haired man, looking better than he had in twelve years.

“Remus! What did you want to talk about?” He asked his former lover, unaware of the secret Remus was about to tell him. 

“Let’s sit down, Sirius.” Remus lead Sirius to the couch, where the two men sat side by side.

“Do you remember that night a week before James and Lily started trying for Harry?” When Sirius nodded, confused, Remus continued, “About two months later I started feeling off, so I went to St Mungo’s to get checked out. Turns out I was pregnant with a child, who now goes by Draco Malfoy. I’m sorry for keeping this from you, but I couldn’t bear to tell anyone. I’m so sorry.” Remus stood up and swiftly left The House of Black, leaving a shocked Sirius Black in his wake.

******************************************************************

_ I can't stand it when you touch me like that, 'Cause it just reminds me of the nights that I spent telling myself it was fine, but now I'm over that I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again. I can't stand it when you touch me like that, 'Cause it just reminds me of the nights that I spent telling myself it was fine, but now I'm over that I think it's better if we just pretend we're just strangers again. _

 

The next morning, Sirius spent looking for flowers. Around noon on that rainy Saturday, he showed up at the door of his former lover's apartment, hoping to reconcile/make out. {Unlikely as it was. Remus was such a shy man.} After knocking for a good ten minutes, he decided, ‘Fuck it, he’s probably in the shower. I’m coming in.’ and opened the door. Turning the corner into the bedroom, he gasped as tears filled his eyes at the sight of his love, laying on the bed, NOT BREATHING. Getting closer, he recognized the  sectumsempra curse and realized that Remus was holding his very own wand. ‘No, not Remus’, he thought, sinking to his knees sobbing.

End

**Author's Note:**

> I’m not sorry. I might be a little for the epic cliffhanger at the end, but I’m not so sure. If you REALLY want, I suppose I could write a sequel.  
> Love you guys!
> 
> Xo Nath


End file.
